“I pay all my own medical bills and car maintenance on my dented 12-year-old car.” (Photo subjects are models.) - Getty Images/iStockphoto Dear Quentin, I’ve been married to my second husband for 10 years. I have always contributed to the household bills, plus I pay all my own medical bills and car maintenance on my dented 12-year-old car. I have very little savings, I am retired and I work part time.
My husband works full time, has two vehicles worth over $200,000 and $1 million in retirement savings. I find that I am increasingly resentful that he refuses to help me any more financially. I maintain the household, walk the dogs and cook regular meals for us both.
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Is this the way finances in second marriages usually work?
Second Wife
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Leaving all of these decisions to chance, as you have done, has set this 50/50 precedent. - MarketWatch illustration Dear Second Wife, Marriage is not a retirement plan.
It can work out that way, by default, if the wealthier spouse decides that splitting the costs 50/50 doesn’t make sense given the disparity in incomes and assets, or provides a home for their less-wealthy spouse to live at no extra cost above their share of utilities and groceries. If the wealthier spouse decided to take an expensive cruise, they might opt to pay for both tickets, cognisant of the fact that their partner would not ordinarily be able to afford to go on such a trip.
Alternatively, couples might resolve to establish “yours,” “mine” and “ours” bank accounts where the joint account is used for monthly expenses with a budget that may or may not include miscellaneous activities. If one partner earns 10 times the amount of their spouse, they might — per mutual agreement — put in 70% or 80% instead of 50%. There’s no right or wrong answer. One answer is always to maintain your own financial independence.
Leaving all of these decisions to chance, as you have both done, has set this 50/50 precedent. Couples who embark on a second marriage are more likely to get a prenuptial agreement to decide who to manage their joint finances and, crucially, how to split their assets in the event of a divorce. Any assets acquired during the marriage — as long as they are not acquired through the gift of a third party or through an inheritance — are generally regarded as marital property.
Unanswered questionsI have some questions for you: When you embarked on this marriage, did you believe that your husband, as the wealthier spouse, would help pay for basic expenses? Did you marry for love or money or both? Does your husband own your home or do you jointly own it? If your husband owns it, do you contribute toward the mortgage, insurance or property tax? Sometimes, the missing pieces in a letter are important and their absence can create a skewed picture.
Story ContinuesMany people, if surveys are to be believed, would not marry a person who had significant debt, or even date them, and may even consider it as a valid reason for divorce (although one would assume there were other problems in the marriage too). The opposite may also be true: Attractiveness in a potential partner can be based on age, income and education, according to this Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas paper, which says marrying up the income ladder may actually reduce inequality.
There’s no broad consensus on how married couples should split expenses. Where both partners earn the same amount, or where one is seen as earning only a little more than the other, 69% of people say that they split bills 50/50, according to a YouGov survey. In couples where one partner earns notably more than the other, 49% split expenses proportionate to their respective incomes. In relationships where one partner earns a lot more, only 25% split 50/50.
Starting a conversationHow does this help you? It may give you some perspective to consider what unspoken expectations you had going into your marriage. The harsh and brutal truth is that if you did not save enough for retirement and you are now working part time, quietly expecting your husband to make up the slack in your estate and wealth planning is a big ask to introduce to the marriage, especially after 10 years.
That’s one reason why it’s a good thing to have a prenup. Not only does it make clear who gets what in the event of a divorce, but it also spells out what each partner’s expectations are regarding expenses before they marry. It also gets the marriage off on the right foot: Prioritizing transparency, financial planning and the ability to have difficult conversations. Harboring silent expectations can, as you found out, lead to resentment.
What you can do now, 10 years on, is express to your husband how the disparity in incomes make you feel. “I feel like I can’t keep up with you financially and I wonder how you feel about that.” Or, “I’m finding that working part time has put additional strains on my monthly budget, so I’d like to talk about how we divide our joint expenses. Would you be open to a 70/30 split. It would allow me to do more things that I’d like to do.”
He may not give you the answer you want, but it will at least start a conversation.
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